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Last Bit of 2016



We have chosen Goulden Hardwoods as the winner of our

“Timber Tycoons of 2016” award ...


... was the exciting email received from Build News a web mag with allegedly 110,000 readers. They didn't elaborate on how this decision was made but it will certainly make my regular customers and business associates not glow with pride but piss their pants.


The upshot of it is that for a few grand I can have 4 crystal bowls engraved and a write up or for a more reasonable £395 one bowl and a smaller write up in their undoubtedly excellent publication - I think perhaps not!


No prizes but solid sales and ...


... some excellent wood has been sourced over the summer for my loyal punters. More of that later in what is my 50th blog since moving to this new website and format in 2007.


The old freeserve website Woodbypost which had been on The Net since the 1990s disappeared sometime this year I expect Orange or EE as they are now called decided to pull the plug and then make it impossible to find anyone in their organisation who gives a shite that you aren't impressed.

Getting timber is something I ...


... I regularly harp on about as it's not a doddle being a) heavy and b) usually somewhere I can't get my tractor to. When you have a local source, reasonably priced with a friendly geezer like Mike and a telehandler I always say yes !


Pictured below is mostly Cherry which I have plenty of but you can't have too much of as anything not good for planks goes out in smoking wood chunks in a steady stream all year round. There was also a bit of Oak of which the same can be said.



A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck ...


... to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill.


One from her surgeon, to say all went well


One from her husband, to say "get well soon", and he loved her


One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say


"Thank you for the new ears"!!

I'm not selling logs this year ...


... Erwin is of course - contact details and latest prices on front page of the website. We naturally get a bit of cordwood thinning the woods and this goes to helpers and now to feed the stove in the tea room which is close to being completed.


We took a trailer load over to Erwin's yard and got Simon to fire it through Erwin's processor.



I was a v hot day doing the above so we all soon had enough - Dave and me back to the cooler woods & Simon off fishing!

"Do you have Viagra?" ...


... a woman asked the pharmacist . "Yes," he answered.


She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered.


"Can you get it over the counter?"


"I can, if I take two," he replied.

I have never met a nice South African ...


... was a hit song for the Spitting Image crew in the 1980s. Well, I can reveal to you that I have - two if you count his son Bradley who works with him.


This rare bloke is called Kevin and came over to England about 8 years ago and formed Surrey Timbers based a couple of miles south of Guildford in Loseley Park.


"I hev red yer blogs" ...


Kevin told me the first time we met & added rather bluntly as you'd expect "you write a load of crap". I didn't take offence - he may be right!


Kevin has the advantage of working for over 20 years in the African timber industry so has a vast knowledge of this and plenty of contacts and regularly imports some impressive looking bits - Mango being one that caught my eye.



I took him to Helmdon Sawmill ...


... and shared what experience I have of buying Timber cheaply! In return Kevin has shared his excellent planer and with his strong work ethic inspired me to be a bit more professional.


Luckily for you there's a long way to go so I'm still cheap and sometimes cheerful - especially when England beat the Springboks for the first time in a decade.


Surrey Timber's customers ....


... are different to mine as they are prepared to pay the much higher premium for exotics and par kiln dried timber.


The ol' legend Gordy ...


... the man with 6 sheds and a story for every occasion brought over a load of timber with his tractor one sunny Autumn day & stayed to help plank some rather nice Apple that my regulars will fight over.


The Apple pictures were a bit blurry so you'll have to come and see for yourself but it was good to see him and catch up.


Gordon has been finding timber for me from day one so knows what is good & was in the process of sniffing out a bit of Yew.



It's been a while since Gordy had a large dump in my woods!

A father in a restaurant with his young son ...

... gives the boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

A well dressed attractive woman in a blue business suit is sitting nearby sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

The woman carefully pulls down his pants ...


... and takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles ...


...the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.


The father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


' No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue.'

If you've read the blogs over the years ...


... apart from the risk of emotional and mental damage you'll have seen a few pics of Alaskan Milling as below. The more observant will notice it's usually New Forest Rob doing the work.


The reason for this is that he's a lot better at it and although it looks and easy and isn't really that hard doing it perfectly takes more preparation than I can be bothered with and patience pushing through the log.


James shown below has become ...


.. a friend in recent years, trading his skills for borrowing my gear. We've now come to an agreement that he keeps my Alaskan Mill and chains and in return he will help with my only occasional need for it such as the two Oaks below which are just too heavy for Doris the Tractor.




A rather hung over James bravely earns his keep ... these logs have a natural bend that my regular customer Paul wants to use in a character table tops with sequential boards.

As the nights drew in ...


... and the old year was looking tired we resisted the temptation to hibernate. It is of course the best time of year for cutting timber so we cracked on with the bits and bobs acquired over the summer. From the logs obtained above from Mike there was some Ash that was very pleasingly clean and sure to sell easily once seasoned.


Another little Jem ...


... was a bit of the Field Maple talked about last time. Like Sycamore the longer it awaits the saw the more colour gets into it. The log had a tiny bit of burr in one corner but enough other stuff going on to make it quite striking - well you be the judge:




We cut this on the day I welcomed Thursday Dave back from a 3 week cruise - he's better than me sawyer wise at reading the best way to cut the log but Tuesday Dave is learning fast!

The new Kilns at Hemdon Sawmill ...


... finally arrived from Italy. This is a massive investment for Steve but as he's the master of keeping his business ahead of the rest I'm sure he will make them a big success.


The principle is that you let fresh cut timber air dry for a month or three or up to a year and then stack it in the Kilns all the same timber and size and flick a switch. The monitoring which is now very sophisticated is done from Italy so Steve expects perfectly kiln dried timber to emerge a couple of months later.


Putting my timber in ...


... is something that isn't going to happen soon as I don't think I'll have the volume to make it commercially viable but will be closely looking at this over the next year or three.



Let's be honest The Kilns - the green boxes at the back aren't much to look at so let's admire my freshly de-mudded Truck, the beautiful winter morning the two brave Polish chaps working on the frosty roof!


As 2016 drifted away ...


... we can look back on a record year for Sales and thanks to the two Daves and all the other helpers there has been more progress than usual.


Of course, there are still loads of improvements needed especially the dark and untidy timber sheds but if there was nothing to do I'd be bored.


Come and see us in 2017 Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are usual wood days - bring money yours or someone elses I'm not fussy !